Enough
by JenniferHawke
Summary: She drops her guard and gives in. It's not what she wants, but for now it's enough. A reflection on all Marian Hawke has lost.


Staring into the fire that crackles in the hearth before her, Marian Hawke's eyes are glazed over, remembering all that she's lost.

L _aughter fills her ears, as a memory of Bethany and Father enters her mind. He's chasing her around the house, arms outstretched as he growls, pretending to be a monster. "Stop it, father!" Little Bethany squeals. Father picks her up into his arms, squeezing her close. "I've got you, my girl." He smiles, and his smile is warm enough to brighten the room._

Hawke sighs, cherishing the memory of her father, lost to illness, and Bethany, taken by the blight. One memory fades, another in its place.

 _Ears buzzing, she tries to stand but quickly falls. Marian lets out an exasperated groan. Father's been dead no more than a few weeks, and the weight of responsibility already wears heavy on her. Mother hasn't gotten out of bed, and the house has fallen apart. So tonight she drinks, for the first time, and it is bitter and vile on her tongue. And now she can't get up. "Sister?" She turns, to see Carver nearing the old tree she sits under. "What are you doing out here?"_

" _What's it look like?" She almost slurs, holding up a bottle of aged whiskey she found in the cellar. Carver sits down beside her. "Mind if I join you?" Marian shakes her head, handing the bottle to him. Carver takes a large swig, and doesn't cough like she does the first time. Clearly, he's drank before, and it doesn't surprise Marian. Two years her junior, but always the rebel. Marian leans her head against her brother's shoulder, no words further spoken._

Hawke crosses her arms, the memory stinging as if it is new. The day Carver joined the templars nearly broke her heart. She misses him, terribly, even if he's pushed her to the side.

 _Her mother's funeral comes, and it pains Marian to see such few in attendance. Uncle Gamlen, Bodahn, Sandal, and a few of her companions show their support. Back in Ferelden, half of Lothering would have attended. Mother was always warm and kind, easy to make friends. But none of the noble women who come over for tea once a week bother to make an appearance, or even send their condolences. Even Carver is too busy with his duties as a templar to show. It's then that Kirkwall leaves a bitter taste in her mouth. She misses Lothering, her old life, and would give anything to have things back to the way they were. 'I miss you so much,' she whispers, before her mother's body is drifted to sea._

Hawke holds back tears, wiping the corner of her eyes with her sleeves. She turns, and the sight of her bed brings forth another pained memory.

 _As Fenris walks away from the room, away from her, it leaves an empty feeling deep inside. Everything hurts so much. The death of her mother, Carver joining them templars. She just wants to feel an ounce of happiness. And Fenris had given her just that. The press of his lips against her skin, the slide of his flesh within her … Maker, it had been everything she needed. But now, he too has left her. Marian wraps her arms around her legs and weeps, feeling as if she is destined to be alone forever._

A figure in the corner of her eye breaks her away from her thoughts. "You're here. I wasn't sure you'd come." Relief floods her veins. Anders steps forward, a smile on his face. He looks so happy to see her, as if she's the only light in the world he sees. Hawke is so tired of feeling alone, of feeling like a failure. He's not who she loves, or even feels safe with. But Maker, the way he looks at her. Anders makes her feel _alive_.

His words of affection set her on fire. Clasping his hand in hers, she leads him to her bed. His stubble against her skin reminds her that he's not Fenris, not the man she so desperately wants, but maybe, just maybe, one day Anders will make her forget her pain. Maybe he'll wash it all away with his love, and make her whole again. All she wants is to forget.

So for now, she drops her guard, and gives in. It's not what she wants, but for now, it's enough.

* * *

 **Author's Notes: And little did she know, he would cause a world of hurt :P Just a short drabble I wrote for my RP character. I liked it enough to share it here :)**


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